Counselling & Supervision with Jacqui Bird

Registered MBACP (Acred) Counsellor
07775 794 130

Jacqui Bird Counselling and Supervision in Thirsk, York, Leeds and the surrounding areas

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Dealing with Relationship Healing

• 12th Aug, 17 •

Relationships need healing after they have reached a point where a problem has hit us and caused us an emotional injury. We then need to find a way to reconnect however before we can reconnect with our partner we have to reconnect with our self.

Working with a Therapist can help you to learn how to take some power back for yourself, not in a controlling or domineering way but in a way that fills you with dignity and self worth.

You will then begin to see the difference in your relationships and together you can work on a deeper connection, communicating together through new channels.

Below is a list of some of the key factors that support healing in couple relationships, whether it be learning to re build a relationship after an affair, breaking the pattern of painful cycles of hurt and conflict, a past trauma, emotional distancing or giving all your energy to the children and neglecting the couple relationship.

There could be many reasons why there is a need for Relationship healing and with the support of a therapist you can work together to explore in more detail some of the following key points that are proven to create relationship healing.     

Listening to each other

The importance of listening to each other involves putting your own concerns and feelings to one side and giving your partner your undivided attention. This does not mean that you don’t get a chance to speak, but instead you communicate together by “turn taking”. This takes practice and can develop trust and closeness between two people.


You have to begin to forgive in order to heal and move on, it is one of the hardest gifts to give to another/give to self, but indeed necessary for those who want relationship healing. It involves making peace with yourself,  and  letting go of strong emotions like guilt, anger, shame.


Taking responsibility for your behaviour involves true reflection, being able to consider what you could have done differently.

When we take responsibility we stop justifying our actions and we acknowledge rather than look for excuses.


Giving your partner the time that is needed to recover from a relationship injury is important, to not rush for an outcome, but to allow the difficult situation to be processed at a pace that is necessary. To be understanding,  empathic and supportive. Remember that you may both be at different stages in the healing process and it is important to accept this. 


Learning to trust again, this can take time and it is easy to wipe out trust based upon behaviour. Looking at the things you do trust about your partner and how much you trust yourself can be  helpful.

If you are unable to trust yourself then think about what it is that is getting in the way. Be honest about what belongs in the past and what is perhaps unresolved and impacting on the current situation. Talk to your Therapist about this and give yourself permission to heal.

If there are things your partner has done to destroy the trust then it is important to talk about these things in a non blaming way. Talk together and re-contract about what behaviours are acceptable moving forward and what behaviours are not acceptable. Setting boundaries is a healthy way forward.

Avoid Criticism

Criticism and putting each other down does not help to heal a relationship. Sometimes a partner will not realise that they are doing this, they may have picked up this way of relating from their own families or they may not be able to assert their feelings and this leads to holding onto strong emotions and becoming resentful over time.

Learning to share feelings is crucial to healing. When a couple is able to connect on an emotional level they begin to develop a deeper connection and become more intimate with each other. They move from “sharing a house together” to “living in a loving home with one another”. They stop their patterns of avoidance and begin to look forward to being together.

Loving someone involves understanding someone, showing appreciation and supporting them to build their self esteem, looking for the good in one another and applauding their success.

To develop emotional intimacy couples need to acknowledge their own behaviours and accept that there is a need to change. They use “I statements” when they talk about their own feelings and learn to be able to get their needs met, by not giving full attention to satisfying their partner at the expense of themselves.

Couple therapy helps you to let go of destructive patterns that have been held for many years. The couple look at shared problems and individual problems and work through a process of change together. Effective techniques are used in couple therapy to help the healing of a relationship.

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